First, look at the weather report. Notice that it’s showing a radioactive red. Consider moving somewhere else for the summer. Realize that everywhere is showing a radioactive red. Decide to take up swimming.
Head to the pool, swim one lap, become really, really bored. Try to start up a conversation with a swimmer in the lane next to you to stave off boredom. Nearly drown. Decide to try swimming in open water. Underestimate currents, water temperature, and stray leaves and/or kelp that may or may not be sharks. Realize you hate swimming.
Set your alarm for 5:30 AM. Realize you are not a morning runner. You’ve actually known this for some time, but you’ve been in denial about it.
Decide to run later in the evening when it cools off. Realize it’s 9:00 PM and you’re still waiting for it to cool off. Decide it’s too late to run and eat a carton of ice cream instead.
Optimistically set your alarm for 5:30 AM. Again. Crawl out of bed. Put your running clothes on backwards and inside out. Try to convince your body to start running. Body tells you to f*@! off. Start running very slowly and painfully. Get distracted by a coffee shop. Decide running is stupid and donuts and lattes are awesome.
Resign yourself to running in furnace-like temperatures. Go for a run at your usual time of 5:00 PM. Nearly die. Crawl back home and lie in a bath of ice until your body is restored to its normal temperature.*
Purchase a gym membership. Feel really out of place in your old cotton t-shirt and tattered running shorts. Resolve to purchase matching workout clothes immediately after workout. Get on treadmill. Start pressing random buttons in an ill-fated attempt to look like you know what you’re doing. When treadmill immediately starts up and kicks into highest gear, sprint and keep pressing buttons before leaping off in a panic. Walk away casually and pretend this was all part of your plan.
Buy an umbrella hat. This really has nothing to do with anything. We’re just trying to see if we can start a new trend. Is it working? Click here. How about now?
Stuff your running shorts with ice cubes. Immediately realize this is the stupidest idea you’ve ever had. Considering you once hugged a cactus (I was three, ok!), that’s saying something.
In an act of desperation, spend a week vacationing in Death Valley. When you return, anything under 130 will feel like an Arctic expedition.
Give up running until winter.
Start going for midnight runs. Realize you are unable to stay up past 10:00 PM. Also, it’s really dark at night. And there might be ghosts. Or opossums, which are equally terrifying.
Move to Siberia. Or San Francisco. When you arrive in San Francisco, text your friends in other parts of the country to tell them that you’re back in the Bay Area and you’re wearing a jacket.
Friends in Oklahoma and Texas write back, “What is a jacket?”
Once safely ensconced in coastal fog, go for run at 5:00 PM (in running tights because it’s cold). For the first time in recent memory, praise Bay Area weather and vow never to leave the Bay Area again during the summer months….unless it’s to visit Seattle.
*If you are actually suffering from heat stroke, please don’t do this.